Thursday, September 5, 2013
I recorded a video about this tonight but fooling with Youtube was not working for me and my patience right now. So I am going to scrap the video and just write about it.
I posted the question ,"what do you do when you have lost your motivation to run and feel as though you want to hang up your running shoes??" in my BGR group yesterday. I also mentioned within my post that I have been battling depression for the last few months. I received response in numbers filled with love, support and good information. It was suggested that I might be suffering from Marathoners Depression which sets in after one completes a huge accomplishment such as a half marathon, marathons or triathalon etc. I could clearly see that in me as the feeling of not wanting to run set in not long after I completed the Nike Women's half. Yes, I know the NWM half was months ago but I think that in conjunction with all the additional stress and other things I am currently dealing with has thrown me into a full on depression.
Can I just say I am frustrated with myself? Why? I am very hard on myself and I always push myself to over come and achieve...I honestly felt as though I had beat this. I have gone years without having been in a major depressive state. Yeah I will go into a funk or have the blues but normally it will last no longer than a few days to a week. So for me to get blind sided by this has me frustrated at not being able to shake it like I normally would. Now that I am here I am building a bridge and getting over it as that is the only way I am going to begin to get better.
Yesterday (Tuesday, don't know when this will post) was a really rough day for me. It seemed as though everything bad, upsetting and disappointing that could happen did happen. I was not holding it together well, not at all. I realized the state I was in was getting worse and I really, really needed medication ( I was able to see the doctor tooday).
I firmly believe that there is purpose and lessons learned in every struggle that one goes through and yesterday I saw the purpose in the out pour of support, expressions of empathy and love from those that I expressed my struggle to and I also learned the importance of having interaction with people and having the right people in your circle.
Sometimes when I am in the middle of battling depression I will reach out to friends, family and at times an acquaintance, not necessarily to pour out and get all emotional but to do something fun that will lift my mood and create a distraction from everything. I learned yesterday to watch who you reach out to. People will proclaim that they will always be there for you and never turn their back on you; some mean it, some don't and are just trying to be nice (or they are complete ass holes). One should NOT put a person's word and integrity to the test during a period of feeling low, as the disappointment or being upset from what ever fall out that may occur can make you feel worse. Try to stick with people that have proven to be there for you and that can truly be a support whether they are aware of your current state or not.
My therapist has been pushing me to go out more or have someone sit with me to help lift my mood. I figured I would start small by having a friend sit with me this evening and that did a whole lot to lift my mood (I actually felt like I wanted to go run). Eventually I will try going out and doing things. Overall my main goal is to regain my motivation to get moving and run again because I have completely lost it (and sleep) in this abyss of depression.
All this to say, be aware of not just your body but your mind. If you are feeling really low for an extended period of time reach out to your family and friends that you know will be a support, seek help in the form of therapy, medication or both if need be (if you can't wait to see a doctor the ER is always and option). There is no reason to suffer in silence or be ashamed as I learned yesterday I am not the only one fighting the battle.
Before I go I really want to thank everyone for all the posts, text messages, FB inbox messages, phone calls, emails, prayers, words of support and encouragement. I am thankful and blessed to know and have you all in my life. Sometimes it is not having the experiences or making it through the struggle that help make you better, it is the people that you have around you and help you through it all that help make you better.
Much love, blessings and good night.